take note of the side bar...

the verse that i've had there forever and a day...it was posted on my computer screen for the past couple of weeks. why? i have no idea, i was just playing with the "stickies" and decided to put it up there...basically worded the same way it is in the sidebar.

the other night was rough...really rough. i was ready to walk away from all that i've lived for and believed for almost as long as i can remember. i had no hope, felt no prosperity, the future was not looking good...not that night, or even the next morning. it happened again...i felt my world falling apart around me and could not see any good in the situation at all. i was blindsided out of nowhere and it threw me for a loop. so i was walking away from it...and the sticky on my computer got deleted.

then yesterday things were bettering themselves...still not sure what the next phase is going to be, but slow improvements at least in my mind...in myself. not worrying about them, just trying not to totally lose me in the midst of it all. (i know, i'm talking in circles...deal with it. lol)

so yesterday i knew people were praying for me, us, this, all of it...not me, i just couldn't. but then i was reminded of that verse (romans 8:26-27) where it says "...the Spirit helps us in our weakness. we do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. and he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will." i was writing in an email that i couldn't pray...and then thought of this verse and how when we don't know what to pray or can't pray...the Spirit searches our hearts and goes to God for us when we can't pray...he's still interceding for us... so profound to me because in my hopelessness and despair...my heart was being felt and heard by God.

so today, i go back to look up jeremiah 29 and read the whole surrounding passage again (first time in awhile)...here's what i have quoted from it now (on my screen)..."I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back...for I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you and will bring you back...
~~Jeremiah 29:10-14

i will come to you...

i will fulfill my gracious promise...

i will bring you back...

i have plans to prosper you, not harm you...

i have plans to give you a hope...

i have plans to give you a future...

you will call up on me...

you will come and pray to me...

i will listen to you...

you will seek me...

you will find me...

you will seek with all your heart...

i will be found by you...

i will bring you back...

even though i couldn't pray, couldn't look for him and his presence, my heart was crying out, was seeking to find him and to be brought back...because he has plans for me...to give me a hope and a future...to prosper me...

everything is not all rosy, i still haven't been able to just sit and pray...but this realization, that intercession is being done by the Spirit to the Father for me...wow. this hasn't been fun, it's going to take a lot to make things all okay, but i think i needed this...i think i needed to be hopeless and desperate...i needed to be brought back...

as always, it's a work in progress...

quit praying already...

(not really...)

not going into details at all, but it's a dejavue situation...but it's different too...and i think much more prayer into all of it. not from me right now, that's for sure, but from others who really are sincerely looking for God's will.

besides todd (who posted), i know others are, and darn those people who pray, they actually make things change! last night was bad. this morning was bad. mid-morning was better. lunch was actually good. afternoon okay...then bad again for awhile. evening better again. and now (after a long email and a long talk, and a glass of wine--yes, even though i'm pregnant, so go ahead and judge me...) and i know a lot of prayer from somewhere besides me....it's better. it's not good, it's not great, but it's better. some clarity, some hope, some hugs and i know there's a lot of love...it's not hopeless, though it's not fun. it's not so devastating, though it's disappointing. it's not so detrimental, it may even be a good thing...

so quit praying....not!

please keep praying, i might come around a lot quicker if you do. i might actually come out of this better than when i went into it...that would be new, and i guess that would be a reason for it to be this way.

just taking a step back, taking a deep breath, and trying to figure out what's next, where this is heading, and how this is going to go...it might actually get a little interesting...and in a good way too.

stay tuned...