So I decided to download AIM, hoping to reconnect with some people since we haven't had internet access in our home since the first of June. (Isn't that pathetic?) AS SOON AS IT WAS DOWNLOADED I started getting IM's from a youth in our "just like a bad horror movie" summer fiasco! She's such a sweetheart and her parents were really cool. They volunteered a lot and were just so nice, and her mom was a teacher next door to Elisabeth's class (of only 2 weeks of school). So she tells me how they all miss us, asks about Elisabeth and says how they all love her, wants for me to tell Jerry "hi", and how we "rock her world" because we were both band geeks too! (I had told her how Nick's joined the school band, trying to come up with something to say and not say anything negative about the church or how crappy our life is right now.) I KNOW we made connections there, I just still don't understand why things had to be so hard/bad on the "political" level of church while we were there. I know there were a few kids who missed their old YP a lot and didn't want to be open to us being there, but from what I've seen of their blogs, they're really immature spiritually, so what do you expect? With them, there was no one that could ever take ----'s place, and never will. "He" was why they were involved, not God.
Anyway, I just started bawling while we were IMing b/c I don't understand any of this. (Even as I type this, I'm tearing up again.) Experiences like we've had make you not want to do this anymore (YM), but then you get a random IM and your heart breaks for the youth you've reached and you don't want to walk away from it all either. I'm so over church right now, not really wanting to have anything to do with it. I'm not really very thrilled with God right now either, my kids don't even have their freakin' toys because all of our stuff is in storage. I'm really pissed that we were brought over there, but when mutually decided that it wasn't a good fit, nothing was done to help us land on our feet...instead we're drowning with no relief in sight. So how do we go about getting out of this funk? We want to find a church home, but none we've visited seem to feel like home to us. We want to be involved with youth, but how can we focus on that when so much else is going on? I'm just tired of trying to do the right thing and follow God, only to be thrown to the floor and stomped on once again. I'm on the verge of insanity, I obviously can't do this alone, but God's not taking any of it off of me either. When I walk into Target and almost have an emotional break-down because I can't buy all of what we could use/need, let alone anything extra "for fun"....yeah, that's not good. When my daughter asks more and more when she's going to get to have her toys out of storage and her room decorated (with stuff she already has, not even buying new stuff), doesn't that show that this has gone on long enought? I just don't know what else we're supposed to do. God promises not to give us more than we can handle, but does he quit piling it on when we're on the verge of suicide? No, I'm NOT even thinking that, I'm just wondering how far I will actually be pushed. I would never take my own life, because I love my family too much. But will things continue to get worse, because I can handle it and not go "that" far? I can't handle it, I can't sleep, I can't pray, and I can't do this any more.
I want to go to church, I want to see God, feel His presence in my life. But I can't. Where is He in all of this? I surely don't know!
