i've been going through a real growing process, but old habits die hard. the habit of keeping the walls up, avoiding confrontation and awkwardness, and pushing people away without knowingly doing it...but not trying to keep them close either.
without going into details at all, there have been some "friend issues" lately that i've really been having a hard time with. i want everything to be "back to normal", but it may never get there again. i want them to be involved in the same things i'm involved in, that we were formerly involved in together...but that may never happen again either. but thankfully, because i've decided it's time to tear down the walls, even if it is piece by piece, things are getting better all around. walking away, avoiding hurt and confrontation, so much easier that way, but i couldn't just let it go...they're my friends!
honesty is the key, and candidness is an absolute necessity. telling the truth about how you feel/felt about a situation or whatever in a tactful way, that's the tough part. i'm praying that things will be able to be fully reconciled, even if they never get totally "back to the way it was before". i may have to get used to a new "normal" with these friends, but i soooo love them and want to be involved in their lives. i pray the feelings are mutual and that they will smack me when i need it, and make me keep taking down the wall brick by brick, and maybe even bringing in a wrecking ball or two if needed.
in order to get there, i need to let God in too. he's been kept at bay for awhile, for fear of feeling anything and i was basking in the numbness, not wanting to feel because that brings pain and uncomfortableness (is that a word? lol) i'm working on it...
...i know he's been with me this whole time, through all of the years of trials and disappointments and hurts, just holding me in his hand, carrying me gently.
i picture his hand holding the ugliest, most useless lump of rocky dirt you can imagine...that's me, covered by my mess and walls i've built from the inside out.
most people would look at that lump of dirt and think he should just toss it, throw it as far away as possible, or up against something to see if it breaks apart and explodes in a dirty, dusty mess. they would look at it as a nasty little thing, unfriendly, full of contempt, or feeling that it's too yucky to hang onto, and definitely would not want to be seen around this dirty rocky lump, so they'd just walk away...
but he knows that inside it is something that could be beautiful, something that could make a difference and maybe even change the world, if only the dirt and rocks were taken away piece by piece, if only...
...if only the walls would come down, if only the dirt were cleaned away, if only the wounds from the rocks were washed off, and the callouses were worn down after being built up from working so diligently on building this wall, if only...
but still, ever so gently he's been carrying this lump, patiently waiting for it to start to crumble. not trying to make it happen too soon, but knowing that eventually it will.
and as i've cried tears, he has too...sometimes a tear hits that lump of dirt and loosens it up a bit. the more that tears have been shed, the more pieces of dirt have been loosed and fallen away. some days he gently blows a breath of air on the lump of dirt, blowing away some of the dust that's crumbling and coming loose also... did i feel a gentle breeze coming around the wall, a bit of a sweet aroma wafting through the stench of the old dirt and grime?
someday soon i hope to be beautiful, in the image of my father, no dirt, no grime, no walls, and no numbness...
so i'm bracing myself for the wrecking ball and jackhammer, it might be painful and noisy. but i'm ready to let it all fall away so i can be free to feel joy and become beautiful in spite of this mess i've allowed to become of my spiritual life.
i love my friends and am so thankful that God has made us keep talking and keep hashing it out together to get to where he wants us to be!
thanksgiving is the day after tomorrow, life's not perfect but i'm so thankful that the journey can be joyful even through all of the storms of life.
and as usual, since i think in song...i just remembered the lines of a song they used to sing when i was growing up in church..."he's still working on me, to make me what i ought to be. it took him just a week to make the moon and stars, the sun and the earth and jupiter and mars. how loving and patient he must be, 'cause he's still working on me!" so true, always.
