okay, wow...

it's been forever since i last posted! yikes! i have been putting some pics of the kids on our family blog and trying to keep that updated for grandparents, so you might look there too. :)

so it's new year's eve, and boy has it been quite a year! lots of changes for sure! i went back to college in january, after getting financial aid worked out to do so. the day before classes began (in january) i found out i was pregnant with thad...boy was that a surprise!!! nick had the unexplained headaches, which ended up in surgery and a staph infection. there have been new directions for church, ministry and life in general... it's been quite an interesting year for sure!

i'm looking forward to the new year, i am expecting great things!

where does the time go?

first of all, my baby boy will be 8 weeks old tomorrow! i can't believe how fast the time is going. he's smiling and cooing, and has even let out a bit of a laugh lately! he's such an amazing baby, so sweet and not fussy much at all, it's so much fun having him in our lives!

secondly, fall semester is half-way over and i'm so far behind in my classes it's not even the least bit amusing! i sat down this morning (it's taken me 3 hours) and have organized all of my assignments and given myself deadlines for all of them (the profs are amazingly flexible, but i need to get on top of all of this). i also sat down and wrote out a daily schedule that includes household chores, schoolwork, errands, etc. (i have to make myself stay home and put all of my errands together so i don't end up wasting too much time on too many days...too easy to do for me!) i also wrote out a "home projects" schedule/list because we need to paint the whole inside of the house, along with finishing the nursery, and other things...it includes sewing/crafting/decorating projects that i need to do for each room as they get painted. (i broke it up over the next few weeks and the focus is on a specific area of the house in regards to all categories)

third, soccer season is well underway, i want to re-join the worship team, school projects are coming for the kids, the holidays are around the corner (have halloween costumes to finish putting together this week), i have business-growing stuff i need to get around to focusing on (which is somewhat on the back-burner at the moment), and it seems that the clock is just going faster and faster!

i needed to take this time this morning to get organized mentally and put it on paper! i'm going to have to go back to work part-time (need to schedule in a trip to talk with a boss and fill out an application), so i need to be on top of my "game" so that i can throw that into the juggling act too!

good thing i had my mochatonix because it helps me to focus and actually helps me find some "drive" to get things accomplished!!! yum!

big boy....

my little cuddle bug is snuggling up in his sling while i'm doing stuff on the computer this evening because he can't seem to stay asleep and he's fussy when he's awake thanks to the cold he acquired from somewhere....isn't he too cute?!?

i didn't end up getting much of my "to do" list accomplished today because i had to take thad to the pediatrician. his eyes started looking "funny" (that expression mom's use when they "know" their child isn't feeling well before they have any other symptoms!) yesterday afternoon. last night he started sneezing a lot (he does a few times a day anyway it seems, but this was a lot more). then i noticed him giving out little coughs, he did just one and i laughed because i thought it was so cute and then he had more...i figured he's probably too little to do stuff "again" because it got attention (especially coughs, smiles maybe...) so it must be "real". then, i noticed that when he was nursing he was having a hard time feeding and breathing at the same time and he seemed a bit congested. he had a bath and we went to bed. he seemed a bit congested when nursing in the middle of the night, but i was too groggy to think much of it at the time. this morning he seemed miserable, he had that little pathetic whimpery, whiney cry and i knew he must be feeling badly, so i called the pediatrician. we went in, they took a "snot swab" for rsv, and said to saline and suction his nose. poor little booger!!! (pun intended...ha)

anyway, the "little" guy now weighs 13 pounds 4 ounces!!! he started at 9:6, went to 8:7 while at the hospital, was up to 9:4 at one week, and was was 10:2 at two weeks...now he's 5 weeks and 13:4...that's 3 pounds in 3 weeks! at this rate he'll be over 50 pounds at a year old...hope he slows down!!! (i guess mama's diner is serving it up right...but i won't mention what my friend said on here....haha)

so yeah, we're just snuggling and trying to get through this cold without incident...

i love autumn...

this is my favorite season, and october and november are the best months for decorating and eating!!! so i decided to change my background too, to celebrate the season. the cutest blog on the block has some great background layouts, check them out!

tomorrow i am going to pull out my box of autumn stuff and decorate the house.

also on my "list" of stuff for tomorrow...
*arrange furniture in carpeted rooms once carpet is fully dry from cleaning
*paint kitchen island wall
*sew burp cloths
*pull out cloth diapers and try them out on thad
*get caught up on laundry
*take preventive stress mid-term
*get caught up on some other school stuff
*go to my school (for work) and do stuff for my leave

i got a lot of errands done today and have a few other things to follow-up on too, but i feel like i'm doing pretty good at getting back into the swing of things. in-laws have left, i'm feeling a lot better (most of the time), and my house is relatively clean (except for being all screwy from moving furniture to clean carpets)...now to get on top of everything i let go for the past few weeks... i do have to brag on my hubby though, if it weren't for him and his ocd-ness, there would be a lot more to do around the house, so kudos to him for helping to keep things in order the last few weeks of my pregnancy and the first few weeks of having a baby around!!!

cousins...

do these girls look like trouble to you?!? my daughter just met her cousin (actually jerry's cousin's granddaughter) this past weekend, they hit it off and are like two peas in a pod. i'm sure we're in for some interesting times as these two gorgeous girls become teenagers and start running around with each other!!! (watch out boys, daddy's going to be cleaning his gun when you come to pick ours up...guess we need to get a gun first!!!)

about time i came back to post something...

the very next day after my "so over it" post i ended up going to the hospital (after calling the OB's office) to get checked again for the lovely pain i was enduring. they gave me 2 percocet and after an hour i wasn't feeling any better so they offered to induce (with the warning that the baby's lungs might not be ready and he might end up in NICU if that was the case). i decided that since he was measuring big anyway, and i was already past 38 weeks, that it would be fine. i had driven myself to the hospital, so i called jerry to let him know i was going to stay. he was in brandon, the kids were at school, and he did very well in keeping from being in a big panic. he finished up his work, got the kids out of school early and settled at the house with money for pizza and instructions to watch movies all evening, then he headed to the hospital. by the time he got there they had broke my water and had started pitocin, i was at 3 cm, then quickly moved to 4 and on to 5. at 5 cm i asked for an epidural because i knew from experience that the pitocin is a pain after awhile and i'd be screaming for an epidural eventually anyway. i got the epidural and my blood pressure plummeted, it took them 4-5 doses of ephedrine to get it back to a stable number to be able to start the pitocin back up (during this time they had discussed a possible c-section, but tried to avoid it if at all possible). after about 30 minutes of pitocin, they came in and said the baby's heart rate wasn't great and they were going to stop the pit to see if it went back to normal (it was running too high for too long and then would drop too low before and after contractions). after 30 more minutes of monitoring, his heart rate was fine and they decided to try to start the pitocin again. the first 30 minutes were good, so they decided to up the dose a little bit, but 10 minutes into the higher dose his heart rate went up high again and would spike low. i was still on 5 cm, so there was no way to get this to go faster without putting the baby at risk, so they decided that a c-section was needed, to which we agreed because we wanted a healthy baby more than we wanted a surgery-free delivery.

at this point, i wasn't scared or nervous, but part of me was second guessing myself about agreeing to the induction...maybe i should've endured the pain longer, maybe if we'd waited a c-section wouldn' t be necessary, maybe if we waited he wouldn't have been in any distress...

they got us ready for surgery, jerry came in and they began. within 5 minutes baby was delivered. he had the cord wrapped around his neck twice, and it was pretty tight...a regular delivery wouldn't have been an option if we had waited, and he would've been bigger and maybe had more distress... thaddeus aaron was delivered at 8:51 p.m. on 9/2, weighed 9 pounds 6 ounces, was 21 3/4 inches long, and was 2 weeks early! they did a little work on him to get all of the fluid out of his lungs, but both of his apgar scores were good and he was just perfect!

i was given morphine (which made me itch like crazy) and benadryl, so i was pretty much out of it for the first night, though i didn't think i was at the time. now it's all kind of a blur. i was discharged friday evening, but thad had to go under the bili lights friday morning through saturday afternoon because his bilirubin count was too high. his weight had also dropped to 8 pounds 7 ounces, so that was a bit of a concern also. it was stressful for me to go home without him that night, but due to the c-section there was no way i could have slept in a chair all night long either.

we took him back to the hospital for a blood test on sunday, which was up a little but still okay, and then we went to our pediatrician on monday for another follow-up blood test. he weighed 9 pounds 2 ounces that day, and his bilirubin numbers were okay too. i just kept him near windows with the blinds open for the rest of the week and it seemed to work well.

at his 2 week appointment at the pediatrician, thad weighed 10 pounds 2 ounces! he's been doing great, feeding well, latching on like a pro, and pooping and sleeping the rest of the time! he sleeps for 3-4 hours at a time, and is wide awake and alert more every day. he's such a sweetie pie and such a joy to have in my life. i was so apprehensive about having another little one come into our lives because it's been so long, but from the instant i saw him...all of that went away!

until i get a chance to get some more pictures, you can check out what we've got so far on our family blog. he's a little cutie pie, and he's my little cuddle bug, loves to be held and stays curled up in a little baby ball!!! i promise to get some good pictures posted here soon!!!

soooo over it...

being pregnant that is!!! baby boy needs to make an appearance already!!! yesterday i woke up in more excruciating pain than i've had the whole time, which has been pretty bad anyway. i ended up calling the doctor to see if there was something i could do about it and she wanted me to go to l&d to get checked out to make sure nothing major was going on. we got there a couple of hours later (decided that since i wasn't on the verge of delivering in my home that we'd pack bags and get the kids situated watching movies, etc. while we went to the hospital). i got all registered, had to leave a cup "donation" for them to check out, and get dressed in one of those lovely hospital gowns that opens in the back so you're at risk of mooning the world if you walk anywhere in it...that was great!

they put me on a monitor, the baby got hiccups and kept kicking the monitor. his heart rate was good. i on the other hand, had been having regular contractions all most all week long 10-20 minutes apart and they were 7-10 minutes apart the whole night before this...the whole time i was on the monitor, i had TWO contractions, that's all!!! one of my OB's arrived, checked everything out, nothing "major" is wrong, i'm not dilated enough to stay, so she offers some extra pain meds and clears me to be sent home.

i lost it, i just started crying because the pain has been so bad (i couldn't move my right leg even one inch by sliding it over without serious pain!!!). on top of that, i soooo was hoping that he would be born in august and miss the school cut-off, but that's not such a big deal because there are worse things in the world to deal with than an extra year of day care tuition! lol so i got the shot of morphine to take the pain away for the rest of the day, got dressed and headed home.

jerry and i stopped for lunch at applebee's (at about 3:00 p.m.) and picked up a pizza on the way home for the kids. the morphine....it's a good thing! i was tired for the rest of the evening, but i was also pain free!!!

so here i am, on labor day and NOT in labor!!! i laid around all morning because i was in so much pain again, and the contractions i've been having are pretty much gone (i'm wondering if morphine is a muscle relaxer and helped to cause them to stop?!?). i've been working on some school work this afternoon, then went to the grocery store (attempting to walk around to get things going again) and besides being in pain again, nothing else is happening...

grrr!!! lol

insomniac...

yep, that's me! i can barely sleep through the night, and when i get woke up i can't get back to sleep. they told me to take benadryl, but i don't want to take it too far into the night and have a hard time getting up to get the kids to school!

the kids started back to school this week, and it seems weird not to be going with them. i know this leave is a good thing (for baby and college classes) but it's hard not going to work every day and wondering what i'm missing out on too! i miss hanging out with my coworkers...guess i'll be meandering down there to volunteer so i can still feel like i'm connected a little!

second day of school was canceled for tropical storm fay...and nothing happened, we barely even got a sprinkle of rain! now "she" is still hanging around and it's kind of windy out and we've gotten some rain tonight from her. my friends over in cocoa haven't gotten flooded in their house, i hope it stays that way since they just bought it and moved in this month!!!

my fall semester started this week, so i need to get on top of my assignments and not let them get out of hand at all. i have 2 extensions that i need to complete too, so we'll see if i can get them done soon! i should take my insomniac time to work on them. i've been trying to get myself tired so i can go back to sleep, but i guess i'd better roll with it and use the time from now on to work on school stuff...since i like to sleep a lot during the day!

i had some stuff i wanted to blog about a week or so ago, after reading a book for one of my summer classes, but i never got around to it. there was some pretty good stuff in there. i'm sure i'll have some interesting insightful stuff to blog this semester...i'm taking 4 psych classes and i'm sure i'll be psychoanalyzing myself! one of the classes is "preventive stress maintenance"...the guy at the book store said i'll need that one with all of my psych classes and a statistics class on top of it! greeeeeaaaaat!!! the other classes are "biblical counseling" which should be pretty good, "contemporary issues" which covers some interesting topics like divorce/remarriage, homosexuality, and a few others. then i have "social psych" too.

okay, i think i'm rambling now, but wanted to post a little update here.

still waiting for baby to decide to come...little stinker isn't cooperating with what mommy wants! (hopefully that's not a sign of things to come! haha) i just need to quit being pregnant already. the pain and dizziness and fatigue is all i can handle and i'm over it. now my ganglion cyst is back in my right hand, and i'm mentally fuzzy...i want my body back to myself!!! (well, except for the breastfeeding part...i won't have it "all" back for awhile...)

hopefully i'll have something more interesting to say next time...

back yard gator...

saturday afternoon i was sitting on the sofa and looking out at our serene little lake off our back yard. there was a black bird of some kind walking along the water. after a little while he went into the water and i thought he started swimming, after a closer look i realized that he wasn't swimming, it was a gator! he was totally stealth about getting the bird, no wings flapping, no feathers flying, the bird was there one second and gone the next! the gator started swimming back across the lake and i thought it was the last i'd see of him that day, but i was wrong...

a little later i looked out the glass door again and straight across from us, there in the yard of our "across the lake neighbors" the alligator was sunning himself and eyeing some birds, so i grabbed the camera and we had a little bit of a swamp safari photo shoot going on in our back yard. i'm pretty sure that dude is about 5-6 feet long!

here are some of the pics we got, you can click on the slideshow to see them bigger and still if you'd like...

I got the following devotional from the upper room daily devotional...

Jesus said, "Ask, and it will be given you; search, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened for you. For everyone who asks receives, and everyone who searches finds, and for everyone who knocks, the door will be opened. Is there anyone among you who, if your child asks for bread, will give a stone? Or if the child asks for a fish, will give a snake? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good things to those who ask him!" "In everything do to others as you would have them do to you; for this is the law and the prophets." "Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the road is easy that leads to destruction, and there are many who take it. For the gate is narrow and the road is hard that leads to life, and there are few who find it."

-Matthew 7:7-14 (NRSV)


To him who by the power at work within us is able to accomplish abundantly far more than all we can ask or imagine, to him be glory.

-Ephesians 3:20-21 (NRSV)

As a friend and I approached the entrance to the retreat center, we noticed the gate was closed with a chain draped around it. We stopped the car and wondered what to do. We honked the horn, but no one responded. We pressed the doorbell, but no one answered. We tried to phone the caretaker, but no one picked up.

After 10 minutes, we were beginning to get frustrated as the hot South African sun climbed higher in the sky. My friend walked up to the gate again and toyed with the padlock. To his surprise, the chain was not locked! He swung open the gate with ease and we entered the grounds, laughing heartily at our foolishness.

Throughout our lives, we encounter many closed doors, barred paths, and shuttered windows. But sometimes we assume that they are locked up tight; we don't even try to open them first. Instead, like my friend and me on that summer day, we worry, fret, and sweat!

The truth is that we have the spirit of God within us. When we are bold enough to attempt what God asks, with God's help, we will find gates swinging wide, pathways clearing, and windows thrown open.

just got me to thinking about stuff...not sure if the door i thought was shut is, but maybe it's time to look for other doors. i've been asking, searching and knocking, but it seems no one is listening...nothing has been given, found or opened lately except the narrow gate on the hard road. maybe at least it's the right direction, but i don't know.

my nights of insomnia magnify things and thoughts whir through my head and keep me up even longer...like tonight...i almost was able to go to sleep at about 1:30 a.m., but this happened and then that happened, and i found myself wide awake at 3:45 and still awake now as i type this at almost 4:30...no rest for the weary, right? all i know is i'm tired of being tired, and waiting for something to happen is driving me insane right now. hopefully things will change soon one way or another, limbo is not a fun place to be.

after 15 years, i think i'll keep him around...

we've been married for 15 years, i can not believe it's been that long! sometimes it feels like yesterday and sometimes it feels like eons ago. we've definitely been through a lot together, but the more i'm around my husband, the more i grow to appreciate him. he gets frustrated with life and situations just like any normal person would, but he always takes everything in stride. he's caring and sensitive (though he doesn't show that side of himself to others regularly) and he's funny and smart too. (he's a walking encyclopedia of useless information...but always has something interesting to talk about!) he's an awesome dad and loves our kids more than anything in the world too!

i'm hoping for 60 more years with this guy...i think we'll be one of those funny, cute old couples when we're older. (i know, we're already "old"...at least he is, i'm not!)

no takers?!?

someone logged in yesterday through my myspace link and was visitor number 5000...if it was you, you have to leave me a comment to let me know...otherwise you're out of luck!

attention faithful readers...

if you scroll down and look at the right sidebar, you will see i have a counter installed on my blog. well, it's getting near quite a milestone number, so i figured i would put a post on here about it. when you come and read my blog, check to see what the number is, if you happen to be visitor number 5,000 be sure to comment so i know who it is...there just may be a prize of some kind involved...(if you come back for a ton of multiple visits to get the prize, that won't count...i can tell on my stat counter how many pageloads a certain user did.)

just in case you're wondering, yes, i do look at my stats and can tell pretty much who is visiting...so if you're checking in and thinking i have no clue...you just might be mistaken. :)

so...if you're going to take the time to check in on me (or check up?!?) please take time to comment now and then and say "hi". i don't bite...at least not very hard!

church tubing trip...

we went to ichetucknee springs today with a few families from church, it was soooooo much fun! if you didn't go, you missed out! if you want to hear more about it, you'll have to ask someone who went...

baby pic!!!

here he is, isn't he sooooo cute?!? i love how his hand is smooshing his little nose!

i went for my ultrasound this morning and everything looks good. the placenta has moved up, so no worries there. the little guy is measuring 2 weeks bigger than his gestational age, so yeehaw...we're going to have another big 'un! i almost blacked out yesterday when i was outside (just leaning against the car, not even exerting myself at all) so i mentioned that to the doctor i saw today and he said i'm not hydrated enough and to drink so much water that i feel like i'm turning into a fish...fun! (that means tons of bathroom runs too...yay.) he also suggested being in a pool as much as possible...just like the other doc did a few weeks ago, guess i need to work on that one! so baby boy is head down, so it's his butt that keeps poking out around my belly button and his feet that are going up under my ribcage. sometimes he pushes on my hip bone with his hands and his butt pops out on top, it's really funny to watch my belly move like an alien is in there!

so there you go, baby update...i'm still having pain, but dealing with it. now i'm just trying to drink as much as possible (and shuffle to the john every little bit)... just a few more weeks, am i ready for this?!?!? (i really don't know!)

blackjack 2 and the bible?!?

i thought it was really cool that jerry took his new phone today and was using it to take jeff's sermon notes. lol on top of that, he sent them to my cell phone in a text message...wow, technology never ceases to amaze me! (as long as it doesn't become independently intelligent like it did in i-robot...which i watched tonight for the first time!) i can't wait until august when i can upgrade my phone...i'm not sure what kind of cool gadget-y one i want to get, but it had better be as cool as jerry's!

only one service at church today...
dinner with the fam...
long afternoon nap...
youth group...
target...
movies...
...priceless!

i love laidback weekends, especially when things seem to be going smoothly and life is good!!!

next weekend...tubing!!!

lazy weekend...

we've just been hanging out around the house this weekend and doing pretty much nothing, it's been really nice! (especially since i'm so tired all of the time and jerry's not felt well for a few days)

we drove to dade city to see the fireworks and got there just in time to get a really good spot just before they started. we were closer sitting in the car than if we'd gone inside the fairgrounds to watch them. afterward we got fireworks and let them off at the house until midnight...i got a lot, so we can let them off tonight too. i love letting off fireworks, i have so many cool memories of it throughout my life...from blowing up cans, my step-dad having to run out into the meadow to stomp out a fire, to shooting off roman candles down the street (holding it on the ground with your foot and balls of fire literally shooting down the street!), watching my kids enjoy sparklers, Nick trying to blow up an orange last year, me about blowing us all up last night...fun times and good memories! i think that i, thanks to growing up in the country and burning our trash, have a little bit of pyromaniac in me, just enough to be silly, but not enough to really be dangerous. it has also been a bit of a good thing too, because i'm not scared to just go up to a small flame or cinders in the grass and stomp them out so no one steps on them barefoot.

on another note, for those who may be wondering...i don't have gestational diabetes. the 3 hour test on monday was brutal because i was so thirsty and having back pain while sitting there for so long, but after having blood drawn 5 times, the tests came back negative, so that's a good thing. my iron was a little low, but i guess we'll discuss that this week when i go for my ultrasound to check the location of the placenta (and hopefully get some measurements of the baby too...). little bubba is really starting to get cramped i think, he tries to stretch out and one big bump will be up under my ribcage and the other bump will be poking the opposite hip bone, and he doesn't like being pushed back in place because he'll just stay there and refuse to move to make mommy feel more comfortable. little booger! i just can't believe it's getting so close to his arrival, only a few more weeks (and sooooo much to do to get ready still)!!!

universal studios...

we had an awesome day at universal (except for some rude people, but i won't harp on that one)...

we started out the day at universal studios, ate lunch at the hard rock cafe, and finished up the day in islands of adventure. afterward we hung out in citywalk for a little while for some fireworks and people watching



elisabeth got to be first in line to have her picture taken with the simpsons, she thought this was pretty cool



seusville inspired the whole family to agree that the nursery should be decorated in a "dr. seuss" theme...oh the ideas!!!



one of our favorite places to hang out...i think jerry and i eat here pretty much every time we go! (the funniest time was when i got free tickets to "bruce almighty" at the theaters there and we had to go from hard rock to the theater in pouring ran...jerry didn't think it was so funny at the time, but we laugh now)



citywalk looks so cool at night time!



for a one day vacation for our family, it was a great day! i'm so glad we live close enough to enjoy days like this at some of our local amusement parks and then come home away from the crowds! florida rocks!

i love universal! i'm so bummed that i won't get to go for rock the universe this year! but i don't want to miss the yp summit in the spring...

paul's prayer...

we read this during worship practice last night and i thought it was pretty cool...

"I ask the Father...to give you his Spirit. The Spirit will make you wise and let you understand what it means to know God. My prayer is that light will flood your hearts and that you will understand the hope that was given to you when God called you. Then you will discover the glorious blessings that will be yours together with all God's people. I want you to know about the great and mighty power that God has for his followers...."

~Ephesians 1:17-19

it helped remind me that we are called to do something for God, his calling doesn't changed even if the avenue does. we just need to let the light flood our hearts and remember the hope we have in him, and his blessings will be discovered...

we have truly been blessed. we have some great friends and a wonderful pastor, our family is (mostly) healthy and happy, and all of our needs are provided for. we are truly blessed and need to remember the hope we have in Christ, it's far above anything any person or thing on earth can give us. i think we overlook our blessings much of the time, and definitely take them for granted.

blessings abound, just look around you and you can see them everywhere if you try...may the light flood your heart and help you remember your hope and discover his blessings too...

quote of the day...

"basic instincts are actually reliable but get ignored by arrogant sophistication." ~c.s. lewis

i was reading over the feedback from my humanities professor and he quoted lewis in two different areas in regards to my "art and aesthetics" report. the above quote was in regard to the review i did on an article talking about how art now often has a political meaning behind it and isn't just done for art's sake (meaning quality, technique, etc.)

but as i mulled over the quote a little more, i have decided that i like that quote in application of much of "real life" stuff too. i have a tendency to get a gut instinct about something or someone and am usually right in the long run (and in hindsight). but sometimes i find i overlook my first impression of something because of charisma or common interest or aura or appearance of it...when all along my gut instinct was correct and i didn't want it to be...or out of trying to be politically correct or kind-hearted or non-judgmental or in trying to do the right thing (in others' eyes) i didn't allow myself to follow what i felt was the correct thing from the beginning. it's a lesson i've had to learn several times, just go with your gut...(i hope that doesn't imply that i'm arrogant...but i'm sure most people don't think i'm very sophisticated, and i really hope i'm not perceived as being arrogant either!)

interesting...

the body of believers...

i wish the following verses were viewed from a biblical perspective by the church community as a whole. i know pastors agree, and very active church members agree, but i don't think church "attenders" get it. everyone is needed to keep the body of Christ working properly and everyone has a place of importance in order to accomplish the work for the Kingdom that we are placed here to do. but what strikes me most is toward the end about when members suffer... you know, everyone suffers, it seems, in one way or another, but pretty much everyone is unwilling to be open and honest about it. if people would just talk to each other and share their hurts or struggles or frustrations...and be listened to out of love and not out of judgment, the church would be such a better place. if it were only that easy, right? just something to think about and try, it might be new for you, but since we're all suffering anyway, what would it hurt?

For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ. For in the one Spirit we were all baptized into one body--Jews or Greeks, slaves or free--and we were all made to drink of one Spirit.

Indeed, the body does not consist of one member but of many. If the foot would say, "Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body," that would not make it any less a part of the body. And if the ear would say, "Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body," that would not make it any less a part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the hearing be? If the whole body were hearing, where would the sense of smell be? But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. If all were a single member, where would the body be? As it is, there are many members, yet one body. The eye cannot say to the hand, "I have no need of you," nor again the head to the feet, "I have no need of you." On the contrary, the members of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and those members of the body that we think less honorable we clothe with greater honor, and our less respectable members are treated with greater respect; whereas our more respectable members do not need this. But God has so arranged the body, giving the greater honor to the inferior member, that there may be no dissension within the body, but the members may have the same care for one another. If one member suffers, all suffer together with it; if one member is honored, all rejoice together with it.

Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it.

-1 Corinthians 12:12-27

that was brutal...

i'm so confused about ed psych! i studied but obviously don't get it from just reading. hopefully the test doesn't hold a ton of weight compared to the projects because i think i just bombed it! i hate that! oh well, i think there are only 2 tests.

it's excruciating...

the preggo pain that is...

i have less than 3 months left until the little man is due, but the pain i've been having is getting increasingly worse by the week. if it continues worsening and doesn't let up, i can't honestly see how i'm going to function for the next several weeks. as it is i'm not really doing much, i'm staying home with my kids, doing school work and accomplishing minimal chore-age around the abode...and by the end of the day (and actually from the time i get up now) i can barely move. i find i'm shuffling when i walk, taking forever to get from one position to another (even if it's just rolling over in bed), and having almost no relief even when taking the lovely tylenol with codeine. everyone is sympathetic with the fact that i'm pregnant during the "heat of the summer" but that's not an issue that bothers me...it's called "air conditioning" and it's pretty much everywhere in florida...it's just the constant pain, of not being able to move my legs, pick up my feet or bend... i know this little guy is going to be such a sweetie, but i am really over the whole "being preggers" thing.

coursework...

wow, i feel overloaded with my classes for the summer semester, and i've not done a thing for one of them because the prof hasn't responded to an email yet.

today i took a test in humanities and pretty much aced it. even the stuff i didn't know for sure and just guessed on...i still got correct! i love it when that happens! then i did a couple of chapter reviews and another paper too. i'm pretty much braindead for the rest of the day i think! i have a test in educational psych tomorrow that i need to study for, but that will be later this evening before i crack that book open again!

that's pretty much been my day. jerry took the kids out for the afternoon so the house could be quiet while i did some work. it's been a rainy day, so it was good not to be distracted by the restless natives! ha

i think i'm going to go and veg out on the sofa for awhile and do something mindless like watch tv and look at some magazines i've not had a chance to peruse yet...

tomorrow is going to be busy with a bunch of church stuff and fitting my ed pscyh test in the middle of everything...time to veg...

crazy week...

it started monday with my car breaking down on my way to run errands...thank goodness for a friend who rescued me, took me on my errands run and was there for me! one of the belt pulleys apparently fell off on the way to church sunday morning, so God's hand was on our car while we drove to the game and back. the belt broke on me on monday, and we were able to get it fixed quickly that evening.

tuesday and wednesday i wasn't feeling well, worked on school assignments and had business meetings both nights.

thursday, still not feeling great, more school assignments, and worship practice.

so here we are at the end of the week, i have an errand to run this afternoon and am debating about heading to a pool to "float" like the doctor told me...but i'm so tired, and still have more school work that needs to be completed. i couldn't sleep last night because every time i was lying down my back and baby belly would kill me. i think i got 2 hours of sleep and then went and laid back down around 6 this morning for a few more hours, but definitely not enough time! so i just answered my own question, not going to mess with a pool today, but i'm thinking definitely tomorrow! (too much school work to do and 2 tests to take this weekend)

i want to crawl back in bed, but i have to get this errand done... bleh.

father's day...

actually, more like father's weekend...

friday evening, we went on a date night to see "the happening" and it was sold out near home, so we drove to another theater and saw the midnight showing of it after hanging out for appetizers at the green iguana... it was nice to have a date night, those don't happen as often as we'd like!

saturday, jerry took nick to meet up with his friends to see "the incredible hulk"...then jerry got a ticket and saw it too, even though he was by himself. (elisabeth and i went to bruster's and had ice cream while they were out...yum!) then jerry and nick grabbed supper together and spent some time hanging out.

today...we got up early to go to church, jerry did the sound board/power point for both services, and we left after the worship set for the second service just as the sermon began. we grabbed lunch, jerry got a ray's baseball shirt, and we headed to the trop to see the ray's play the marlin's...unfortunately they didn't sweep the marlins in the series and we enjoyed the thrill of watching the rays stink it up today. it was still a fun time, and he's been wanting to see a game for weeks.

nothing fancy, but it was a good weekend, just spending time together as a family and doing some fun stuff. tomorrow i get the joy of focusing on school work, since i didn't do much over the weekend....

a time for every matter under heaven...

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to throw away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.

What gain have the workers from their toil? I have seen the business that God has given to everyone to be busy with. He has made everything suitable for its time; moreover he has put a sense of past and future into their minds, yet they cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. I know that there is nothing better for them than to be happy and enjoy themselves as long as they live; moreover, it is God's gift that all should eat and drink and take pleasure in all their toil. I know that whatever God does endures forever; nothing can be added to it, nor anything taken from it; God has done this, so that all should stand in awe before him.

-Ecclesiastes 3:1-14 (NRSV)

again, a passage i've heard/read many times throughout my life, but usually stopping at the end of the "a time for" section. reading "the rest of the story" is kind of cool. i love the part that says "I know that there is nothing better for them than to be happy and enjoy themselves as long as they live; moreover, it is God's gift that all should eat and drink and take pleasure in all their toil."

it just shows me (again) how important it is to love what you do and to enjoy life. for the most part, i have always loved whatever i have been involved in, from my "job" of working with children in an educational setting, to being involved in youth ministry, being involved in worship teams/choirs, and being married to a minister. life always has its ups and downs, but you should definitely enjoy what you're doing, and enjoy life in general...it's what God wants for us! it's always nice to be reminded of things that we tend to "forget" sometimes...and i've been reminded of so many things lately, i'm just in awe of how much i have "forgotten" and how much i have taken for granted.

i guess there's also a time to learn too...

two-thirds there...

so i guess i'm officially in the third trimester now, i've gotten a ton of email stating that anyway. (i signed up for a bunch of information email early on and now they're getting annoying. lol)

so for the next 13 weeks or so it's probably going to drag out, especially since it's summer break and i'm in a lot of pain. we went to busch gardens on saturday and it was excruciating afterward to walk or move. but i've been having that for weeks now. i can't just sit on the couch all summer and make my family sit at home with me. we're planning to go to orlando and hit universal studios and wanted to do sea world too, but i told jerry tonight that there's no way i can do both parks in one weekend if this is going to be the norm! (maybe we could look into renting one of those electric scooters and then i could do it, we'll see.)

today, all i did was work on some of my humanities assignments, watched tv and did laundry with help of the kids. this evening, i couldn't even lift my own leg/foot up onto to the sofa to lie down. i actually asked nick to help me...how pathetic is that?

so, 13 more weeks? i'm praying he'll be big and "need" to come early (or want to come 2 weeks early like his big sister did)...that, or request an epidural for the next couple of months at least!

on the positive side...he's an active little booger! he kicks and bumps and pushes and hits pretty much all day long! i hope that doesn't mean he's not going to sleep much or be hyper though! haha

...and we still have to agree on a name...that needs to be remedied soon, so i don't continue having dreams of having a toddler walking around and us calling him "little man" or "big guy"...gotta work on that one!

threatening?

i read my devo today, and i "knew" this but it always helps to be reminded. being in ministry, and even more specifically youth ministry, yeah i'd think that's a threat to the enemy... if we weren't doing something right, life would be peachy and we wouldn't keep coming upon difficulties...or at least much more peachy than it is and many less difficulties than we've faced. reading this helps to put things into perspective and in retrospect, God is doing great things, even if i can't see them all of the time. being involved in ministry...it's a dangerous thing to the stronghold of the enemy, and he'll try to stop us if he can...so who do we let win? i'm not going anywhere, a calling is a calling, and the specific area of a calling may change, but being called by God to be in ministry, or be a minister's wife, or whatever it is...it's still there, God doesn't walk away from us or what he's called us to do...to build his kingdom... if you're dealing with uncertainty in where you belong in ministry...just stay involved and the doors will open. but don't walk away, because if you do, the enemy will win...for now anyway...

Are You a Threat?
by Os Hillman


"One day the evil spirit answered them, 'Jesus I know, and I know about Paul, but who are you?'" - Acts 19:15
Are you a threat to the kingdom of darkness? If satan and his demons had a board meeting and your name came before the board, what would they say? Would they say that you are one of their most feared enemies and they needed to keep many demons harassing and opposing you? Or would they say, "Gentlemen, this person poses no threat to our activities. Leave him alone. He needs no help from us." There are millions of church-going believers sitting in pews Sunday after Sunday who pose little threat to the kingdom of darkness.

If we truly believe that we war against rulers and principalities that cannot be seen, then we must realize that their mandate is to hinder any believer who is seeking to walk in the fullness of God. However, "greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world" (1 Jn. 4:4b KJV).

If you are seeking to fully follow the Lord, you can expect harassment from the enemy. God permits temptation because it drives us deeper into the soil of God. These times reveal God's power to keep us and walk us through the temptations. Our message becomes fruitful when it is born out of obedience and suffering for His name. Do not consider it strange if you find yourself fighting major battles the more obedient you become to the Master. God desires each of us to become a feared enemy of hell in order to affect satan's domain. When you begin to feel harassed, chances are you are beginning to affect the kingdom of darkness, and satan doesn't like this. So, how many demons do you think are assigned to you?

hard to get...

so if you've been reading my blog for awhile, you know that i think in song, or at least strongly relate to songs on a regular basis.

sometimes when we don't have a clue as to what God is doing, and can't understand what his purposes are, we want to give up, be neutral or become numb. living the christian life isn't easy, and if you think it is...just wait! today's sermon was about rest, and how we need rest, and sometimes when we can't get the rest we need, at least we have hope that we will find rest when this life is over... but it's still hard to understand God's ways many times.

so this song keeps coming to mind because life is such a roller coaster of ups and downs, valleys and mountaintop experiences, and it's hard to understand sometimes...

"hard to get" by rich mullins...i've blogged it before, but found this "video" that's really an audio of him singing it... because God is sometimes "just plain hard to get"...

busy week...

and exhausting too.

we've had some interesting things come up this week, but by and large it's all working out rather well. hopefully one incident will work itself out in our favor, so far it looks good at least. :)

school's over, finally, so now i can concentrate on my college courses (summer semester started this week) and hopefully my business too. my main goal this summer is to get uber organized. all of my school stuff is here, so i plan to go through it, organize it, and purge stuff too. same with my sewing stuff, and everything stored in the garage. we're almost drowning in baby stuff now too, so i need to go through and organize all of it too until we decide what we're doing for his room, and if we're going to move to a bigger place or not...the procrastinating perfectionist in me is going to go insane this year, but it all needs done. next week my goal is to get the whole house in order, including all laundry and closets...it's been so neglected lately!

but first, i'm going to relax tomorrow (after i go to a committee meeting early), do whatever i need to for my classes this week, and just enjoy my first (almost) full day of summer break. this weekend, we're going to have some fun family time, and put off the worrying about anything else until next week.

tonight at worship practice was great. even though i was exhausted and hurting from being on my feet and moving stuff all day, it was refreshing to be there, singing about God and thinking only about the songs we were practicing and singing for him. i've allowed myself to be too busy this week to focus on prayer and study like i should, but my daily devo reading has been kept up at least, to keep me a little sane through it all. God is good, and blessing us and taking care of us, so i'm just trying to put everything in his hands and not fret about anything...that's a toughie for me, but it gets easier with practice.

going to crash now...so...tired...

trusting God...

that's really hard to do sometimes. i know he will provide all of my needs according to all his riches...i know that he will direct my paths... but to trust that he will, to really trust him, that's harder to do than it sounds like it should be...

today's sermon...

don't worry about supplies... he will provide our needs for food, clothing, bills... money... transportation...

don't worry about shelter... he will provide a place for us to live, sleep, rest...

don't worry about speaking... he will give us the words we need to speak, when we need them... and he gives us people, who need to hear those words, to minister to...

don't worry about suffering... he knows when a sparrow falls, and numbers the hairs on our heads... so he knows when we are in need or hurting...

it is definitely much easier said than done, especially in times of need, but he is there... we just have to trust him to be true to his promises...

arms of love...

tomorrow during worship we're singing "arms of love" and it really touched me during rehearsal because of someone it reminded me of who has passed away since i originally learned the song. she was very influential in the music part of the youth ministry at a former church because she introduced new stuff to her brother who was the main worship leader of our youth group at the time. so the arms of our wonderful loving God have been fresh in my mind this week, and then i read this...

Open Arms
by Max Lucado

If you ever wonder how in the world God could use you to change the world, look at the people God used to change history. A ragbag of ne'er-do-wells and has-beens who found hope, not in their performance, but in God's proverbially open arms.

Abraham- God took what was good and forgave what was bad and used "old forked tongue" to start a nation. Moses- would you call upon a fugitive to carry the Ten Commandments? God did. David- his track record left little to be desired, but his repentant spirit was unquestionable. Jonah- God put him in a whale's belly to bring him back to his senses. But even the whale couldn't stomach this missionary for too long.

On and on the stories go: Elijah, the prophet who pouted; Solomon, the king who knew too much; Jacob, the wheeler-dealer; Gomer, the prostitute; Sarah, the woman who giggled at God. One story after another of God using man's best and overcoming man's worst.

The reassuring lesson is clear. God used (and uses!) people to change the world. People! Not saints or superhumans or geniuses, but people. Crooks, creeps, lovers, and liars--he uses them all. And what they may lack in perfection, God makes up for in love.

Jesus later summarized God's stubborn love with a parable. He told about a teenager who decided that life at the farm was too slow for his tastes. So with pockets full of inheritance money, he set out to find the big time. What he found instead were hangovers, fair-weather friends, and long unemployment lines. When he had had just about as much of the pig's life as he could take, he swallowed his pride, dug his hands deep into his empty pockets, and began the long walk home; all the while rehearsing a speech that he planned to give to his father.

He never used it. Just when he got to the top of the hill, his father, who'd been waiting at the gate, saw him. The boy's words of apology were quickly muffled by the father's words of forgiveness. And the boy's weary body fell into his father's opened arms.

The same open arms welcomed him that had welcomed Abraham, Moses, David, and Jonah. No wagging fingers. No clenched fists. No "I told you so!" slaps or "Where have you been?" interrogations. No crossed arms. No black eyes or fat lips. No. Only sweet, open arms. If you ever wonder how God can use you to make a difference in your world, just look at those he has already used and take heart. Look at the forgiveness found in those open arms and take courage.

And, by the way, never were those arms opened so wide as they were on the Roman cross. One arm extending back into history and the other reaching into the future. An embrace of forgiveness offered for anyone who'll come. A hen gathering her chicks. A father receiving his own. A redeemer redeeming the world.

No wonder they call him the Savior.

from max lucado's book no wonder they call him savior...i received it in email from crosswalk. check it out...

it's the final countdown...

woohoo! this is the final weekend of the school year.

i have 4 days until i'm "free" for the summer.

i have 3 days left with students.

i have 2 lunch duties left to do.

then i will have 1 year off of work to finish my degree and get my certification...

today was a great day...my two teams from school held a baby shower for me and i got a lot of really cute stuff, and had some great friends show up to hang out for awhile. they rock! i will definitely miss my co-workers while i'm on leave next year, but luckily i can volunteer and get involved with the pta and be on the sac committee, so it's not like i'm moving away or whatever. i take them for granted sometimes because we don't get to hang out outside of work, but i do have some really great friends, who are there for me whenever i really need them, and that's what matters most when it comes to friends, right? being there no matter what. still loving you even after you've aggravated each other. and always available for a good laugh and a good time...

i will miss the daily adult interaction, but it's going to be so great having some time to breathe a little, focus on the college courses and snuggle with the new baby bundle when he arrives...

summer break is almost here!!!

but if i don't break your heart, things will just get worse...

i wanted to make this a whiney post because i don't feel well, but i'm not going to. i'm pregnant so... i'm tired and my baby bump is hurting/achey, but nothing serious, just muscle/ligament cramps...3 1/2 more months of this. at least school's almost over, one more week.

i went to the ob today and had to wait awhile before being called back, so i took the chance to read a couple of chapters from "dancing bones" by patsy clairmont from women of faith. there was a quote that struck me today, so i thought i'd put it here so i don't forget it...

she's speaking of the heartache and loss that people inevitably experience during their lifetime and how a book she received as a gift ("the miraculous journey of edward tulane") was written inside the cover with an epigraph that reads...

"the heart breaks and breaks and lives by breaking...."

patsy goes on to say that as she thought about that line, she realized "that if our hearts didn't break, they would burst from pain and we would die." she "never thought about heartbreaks helping us to survive this fractured world we live in, and yet they do."

if you've experienced heartache in any way, which everyone has in some way or another, then this might make sense to you. If we just experience the hurt, but hold it in and don't allow our heart to break or ache because of it, one day we might just explode. it might be an inward explosion, not an outward outburst, but i can definitely see where that could be far more detrimental than allowing yourself to feel and deal with it and try to move on afterward. internalizing eventually brings more pain than getting it all out and dealing with it...

it reminds me of a song by relientk that helped me get through some tough times before, but the lyrics are fitting when thinking about the heartaches and disappointments we face in life, and how best to deal with them. i love this song...

"let it all out"
relientk

rip it out, remove it
don't be alarmed, when the wound begins to bleed

'cause we're so scared to find out (what this life's all about)
so scared we're gonna lose it
and knowing all along
that's exactly what we need

and today i'll trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
but tomorrow, upon hearing what I did
i will stare at you in disbelief
oh inconsistent me, crying out for consistency

and you said "i know that this will hurt
but if i don't break your heart, then things will just get worse.
if the burden seems too much to bear,
remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there."

and i'll let it be known (at times i have shown)
signs of all my weakness
but somewhere in me, there is strength

and you promised me (that you believe)
in time i will defeat this
'cause somewhere in me, there is strength

and today i'll trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
and i'll try my best to just forget
that that man isn't me

and you said "i know that this will hurt
but if i don't break your heart, then things will just get worse.
if the burden seems too much to bear,
remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there."

and you said "i know that this will hurt
but if i don't break your heart, then things will just get worse.
when the burden seems too much to bear,
remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there."

reach out to me
make my heart brand new
every beat will be for you, for you

and i know you know
you touched my life
when you touched my heavy heart
and made it light

i love how God works, and how in the end, all of the pain and disappointment we've endured in this life will be justified when we get to heaven...

countin' down....

ahhhh! (that's me, sighing in relief that the end is in sight...)

i have 7 days total left of work.

i have 6 days left with students.

i have 5 days left of lunch duty. (that's the most exciting one of all!!!)

i'm so ready for summer break, time to spend with my kids, time to take more classes (12 hours), time to relax, and time to grow a baby......

sleepin' in, staying up late...

yep, can't wait!

read a whole book this morning...

it's called "prison to praise" by merlin carothers. between the book and my devo reading this morning, listening to God is the lesson for the day. that's a hard one, to actually listen for him to speak to you...life is so fast-paced and gets in the way, yet it's important to do.

the other lesson for the day is to learn to praise God and give him thanks in everything...no matter what is going on in your life. thanking him for the bad things, that's another hard one. thank him for the death of a child, or the sickness of a child, or bad relationships, or hardships galore?!? definitely hard. but i think when (if) we learn to do it, the blessings will abound, not necessarily material blessings, but sometimes just the peace of mind that he's in control of everything that happens to us, and his will is being worked in our lives...

i don't know, it's too profound for me to really talk about without sounding like an idiot, but it's what i'm learning today...listen and be thankful.

looking back, it's easy to see where God was working through previous difficult times, where he's led from the beginning, through the difficulties, how things have changed for the good even through those difficulties...it's easy to be thankful for what we see, from where we've been to where he's led us. the key, and difficult task, is to be thankful in the situation you're in now, to know that his will is being worked out, no matter how difficult it may seem at the moment...because later on, you'll be able to see how he has worked in everything surrounding that situation...but the key is to be thankful now, no matter what.

relaxing weekend...

it's just what i needed! it started off friday evening with elisabeth and i attending a friend's play and eating dinner with their family afterward, just some good hang-out time with friends...(jerry and nick went to see the new indiana jones movie with other friends)

saturday, i slept in a bit and then registered for baby stuff at target with elisabeth, went to a cookout at another friend's home, and just enjoyed more hang-out time with friends and new acquaintances...(jerry and nick went to the big backyard bbq or whatever it's called, to see "the almost" and some other bands, they had a great time too!) i also was able to pick up a crib, mattress, toddler bed and stroller for the baby...all free, from other friends, and am excited and blessed to have this stuff to start preparing for our new addition to the family.

it was nice, just taking some time to relax and not stress about anything...we need more days, weekends, weeks like that for sure!

today was great too. we went to church, a church we dearly love...worship time was amazing for me, the songs were just perfect...the message was amazingly right on what i needed to hear (just like last week's was also)...there was an awesome time of prayer and sense of God's presence there too... i have been convicted the past couple of weeks that i need to pray more for our church, our pastor, our families, our community, and what God is trying to do here, and the message today just reiterated that to me, convicting me more and more that God has been saying the same thing that was spoken of during the message. i feel so blessed to have been brought to this place of worship and service, and can't imagine being anywhere else to worship and serve God and hear his word...

dinner with the family, a nice long sunday afternoon nap...all a perfect ending to a perfect weekend...and i still have another day to go! i feel refreshed and rejuvenated, ready to focus on what's next...i hope your weekend was just as refreshing and relaxing too!

why i blog...

i was sitting here thinking about how life brings changes (losing a child, losing a job, losing friends, or just changes that aren't comfortable, but not necessarily "bad"), and what kind of effect change can have on us...it can be used for good or for bad, depending on how we deal with it. usually, even if a change seems devastating, it can be used for good and i truly believe that God has a purpose for the changes he allows to take place in our lives even if we can't see it at first. because "all things work together for the good of those who are called according to his purpose"...(may not be an exact quote, but you get the jist)

i was thinking also about how change sometimes brings brokenness, and in order to truly be used by God we have to allow ourselves to be broken and let the shattered pieces fall in to the Potter's hands, so he can mend us and make us what he wants us to be, perfectly usable to reach others through our experiences and downfalls. if we are to truly be broken, the walls we've built up have to also be broken down. the saying "God uses cracked pots" came to mind, from the book by patsy clairmont that i read years and years ago. when i first heard the title of that book (way back when) i thought about cracked pots referring to someone who's "cracked in the head" or going a little crazy, or those who seem a little crazy to those around them (i'm sure i fall into that category sometimes too)...but my thought process today brought me around to thinking about brokenness. i did a search on "cracked pots" and found the blurb from the women of faith site which, when discussing patsy's book, says...

"Picture an empty flower pot with a crack down the middle. Now imagine that pot filled with light and covered. Where does the light shine through? THE CRACK! That's how it works with God."

i thought that was awesome, if we allow God to use us, flaws and all, broken pieces too...his light will shine though us, emphasizing our cracks and flaws, and even so, his power will be revealed in spite of, and because of, our flaws.

another quote i came across in my search for the term "cracked pots" was from another blog talking about how God uses broken things. it said:

"We are all cracked pots. Our brokenness is “mendable” only by the powerful working of God’s matchless grace. Though we sometimes try to hide the cracks, they are still visible. We’d all be better off, in my estimation, if we didn’t try to conceal them at all. In fact, it would probably bless a lot of people if we would be willing to put all our broken dishes on the table, exposing our brokenness to the world. This way all who get close to us can marvel at God’s handiwork in putting us back together. It just might be that when others see how highly valued we are to our loving Father who mends our brokenness, they might get the sense that God cherishes them, as well."

this is exactly why i started blogging in the first place, to be real, put my experiences out there, and to share my heart...good, bad and ugly...whole, cracked or broken... my hope is (and has been) to help others see where i am, where i've been, and where i am going, and it's not always pretty and roses...(and sometimes my life/blog have been just plain unremarkable and boring) but hopefully i can show that God can use anyone, flaws and all, to touch lives and change hearts. because goodness knows, i'm one of the most cracked pots out there, but God is still working in my life and as long as he's still working on me, i'm still able to show others the marvel that is God...using cracked pots.

it's risky, it may even seem a little dumb, but hopefully someone can relate and be reminded that God can use them no matter what has happened in their life too...

sad news...

elisabeth and i were on our way home from seeing a school play (which was really good by the way) and eating dinner with friends from church. we were pulling into walgreens to get a finger splint and tape to wrap her thumb because she closed it in the car door at the restaurant and listening to the radio as we heard them mentioning that steven curtis chapman's little girl maria was tragically killed. when i got home i looked it up, and she passed away yesterday in an accident in her driveway.

steven curtis chapman has been long-standing favorite of ours, his song "i will be here" was sung at our wedding, and he's been a blessing to so many lives. i'm posting his song "cinderella" on my myspace, in memory of maria...

savor each moment and experience you've been given to enjoy with your little ones...it can all be lost in an instant!

devo link...

i added the link to the "today God is first" devo that i've started reading this week. it's amazingly good! check it out, you can even get it emailed to you daily. if you don't read a daily devo, or are looking for something new, definitely give this one a try!

today's devo is about jacob wrestling with God, striving with him in the right kind of way to receive God's blessings on his life, coming to a place of complete brokenness and surrender, able to lean on God alone. if you're struggling with things in life, job, finances, health problems, relationships...and if you're trying to deal with them yourself instead of relying on him...he just might be taking you through this process of dealing with these things as his method to prepare you for what he wants for you...we have an inheritance from him, waiting to be given to us...which can only be received when God brings us to total dependence on him. are you depending fully on him, or does he need to use life situations to get your attention? i know i struggle with that, it's easier (in my mind at least) to suck it up and deal with it on my own...but i can't control what happens in my life any more than i can control the weather. i can't control what happens in the area of jobs and finances, only God can. i can't heal my son, only God can. i can't control how other people react and respond to me, only God can. all i can do is pray and trust in him...surrender it all completely to him to take care of so that his blessings can be poured out in my life...more abundantly than i can even imagine.

like i said before...i'm on a free fall...totally allowing God to take control...it's a good place to be...so take a chance and try it!

i just can't help myself...

i don't necessarily want this to be a public listing of the devotions i'm reading, but they're so good i can't help but share them! i'm posting yesterday's first so you can see the progression of the devos, then today's. i just love how God has a way of giving you what you need when it's most relevant to your life! he's pretty awesome like that...and in so many other ways we don't give him credit for most of the time too.

Becoming Aware of God
Os Hillman

..."Surely the Lord is in this place, and I was not aware of it." - Genesis 28:16

Jacob was forced to flee his family after receiving the blessing of God from his father, Isaac. He ran as a result of his broken relationship with his brother, Esau, who threatened to kill him. He was alone after leaving his family and was sleeping in the wilderness area at Bethel. It is here that Jacob encountered God personally for the very first time. He had a dream in which Heaven was opened up to him. The Lord spoke to him there and gave him a promise to give him the very land on which he was lying.

This encounter with God made him realize that God was in this place, even though he had not been aware of it. God had to remove Jacob from all that was of comfort to him in order to reveal Himself to Jacob. What began as a crisis that forced him to be removed from his family and friends led to an encounter with the living God and a fresh vision of God's purposes for his life.

How often we go about our daily routine and fail to recognize that God is in the place where we are. God had to bring Jacob to a place of separation from his old life and remove all his worldly possessions. He was alone with God at Bethel; nothing else could distract him from an encounter that would change his life.

God often must do radical things in the life of the servant in whom He has special plans: separation from family, removal of physical and emotional resources, an encounter with God. These are often the hallmarks of ownership by God that build a vision into a life.

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God's Preparation for Moving Out
by Os Hillman

In this way the man grew exceedingly prosperous and came to own large flocks, and maidservants and menservants, and camels and donkeys. - Genesis 30:43

Jacob left his homeland after suffering a broken relationship with Esau for stealing the family blessing. He went to work for his uncle Laban where he stayed for 20 years. It came time for him to leave, but he had no physical assets to show for those years under Laban. Laban had taken advantage of his nephew in every way. (In some ways, Jacob was reaping the seed he had sown his entire life as a manipulator and controller.) Nevertheless, God's hand was on Jacob, and He had plans to prosper him. However, Jacob had one problem - he had no resources of his own. For Jacob to launch out on his own, he would need resources. In those days, resources often meant large flocks of animals. God gave Jacob a dream that resulted in a strategy for creating wealth by multiplying his sheep. Even though Laban sought to thwart Jacob's efforts, God overcame the evil in Laban to allow Jacob to prosper.

There are many important lessons for us in this story. First, when God decides it is time to move you into a larger place of His calling, He has the ability to provide the resources you need to support the call. God gave Jacob a dream that resulted in a strategy never used before to build wealth. It was totally from God's hand. It was creative and new. God called Jacob to move out after he had demonstrated his faithfulness in 20 years of serving Laban. He learned to live under authority and served Laban faithfully, even though he knew he was being taken advantage of.

God will do the same for you and me. However, a word of caution: Be sure the strategy is born from above, and not from self-effort. The difficulty for most of us workplace believers is to learn the difference between the strategies born of God versus the strategy of self-effort.

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sometimes things have to be turned upside down to make you look at the bigger picture and see what God really wants for you to do... it's happened to us in the past, and we're currently praying about what his will is for us in ministry now too. sometimes you get too comfortable in the way things are, so you don't look to see what else God might want you to do for him. but then, once you're going in the right direction, he will give you a vision and prosper you in a way that will allow you to carry out his plan too. change has been in the works for awhile, so it's not a big surprise to see God step in and stir things up a bit. (and jacob, after almost 20 years of doing one thing, and no physical assets...so uncanny...like i said, it's funny how God brings you insight that's relevant and relates...) we're kind of in between those two places right now i guess...working on the vision, so we can see what the plan is.

i was reading an article yesterday about holding onto what's comfortable or what you know so tightly that you can't let go and let God guide you into the next thing that he wants for you. i could totally relate. i love the area of ministry we've been involved in for years, but sometimes you have to just let go and free fall for a bit to let God take control of where your next thing is going to be. guess i'm in a free fall right now...and it's kind of fun, just gliding along and seeing where it will lead. letting go is the hard part, but once you do it's an awesome experience to just let God have control and take you wherever he may lead...

try it, it's not so bad at all....

just want to lay down and die....

not really, but there were moments today that i was in enough pain that it sounded like a good idea...or at least take some strong medicine and go to bed. neither of which i could do...i was at work, and i'm preggers...no bed at work and no strong meds for my mommy machine! i had a major ligament cramp last night and it's been sore all day today, i think i had a definite preggers walk going on, but it felt more like an old lady walk than anything! and this is supposed to go on for another 4ish more months?!? yikes! little dude is moving around a lot, and i don't feel like there's anything "wrong", just pain thanks to the monster baby (as my o.b. referred to it) from the last pregnancy...love ya elisabeth! ;)

speaking of elisabeth, she's growing up so fast! she missed part of her reading time yesterday morning because i had to take nick's c.t. films to the doctor and i took her to school late. silly girl decided to try to read fast and cram a.r. tests in and bombed one so it made her total fall below 80% and she didn't get to go to the a.r. celebration today. her teacher said she took it like a trooper and didn't get upset at all.... well, that didn't totally last though because she was upset when she saw me after school. but she also told me that because she was trying to get her total up (it's over 80% now), she took some a.r. tests today and not only raised her score, but broke 50 points for the year! since she worked hard and rectified her score AND surpassed 50 a.r. points, told her i'd reward her by buying her some books of her choice so she can get a good start on her summer reading. she thought that sounded great and has asked that i get her the "spyderwick chronicles"...so we'll be heading to a bookstore in the next week or two and picking them up. growing up, acting mature....my baby girl isn't so much anymore!

and nick update...since that's what this is turning out to be...for those of you who have been following the "saga" the doctor called me personally yesterday (wow...usually it's a nurse) and he gave me specifics on what kind of hypertonic saline to get nick for him to flush out (ewwwww) his sinuses. he said he's pretty sure the staph infection isn't the current issue, it's mostly post-surgical swelling, worse than usual because of the prior chronic sinus infections he's endured. he did say that it will be at least 2-3 weeks before he'll be feeling better, so to continue pain meds as necessary and do the hypertonic saline wash 4-5 times a day....well, stuff is moving and it's gross...i'll stop there and spare you the details, but keep praying for him to recover. this school year's basically a wash, but i really hope he can get back to himself and have a good summer and feel up to having some fun. (it's pretty bad when he's not even feeling well enough to ride in the car to wendy's to eat supper...)

so there ya go....i'm not really suicidal, just in pain...but some good stuff too. :)

my goodness...

i have never had so much traffic to my blog in...like....well....forever!

in the past couple of weeks i have had visits from france, thailand, germany, australia, dominican republic, canada, and all kinds of places in the u.s.! it's interesting to see what people have been interested in reading and analyzing the data...so very interesting! looking at some topics, but not the spiritual ones (faith, spiritual growth)...check them all out, you'll learn a lot more about me.

if you're a recent newbie to checking out my journey in "looking toward the Son"...welcome, and enjoy browsing...i hope you enjoy looking at my journey. it's been up and down, and with some major ups and major downs...but it's my journey and i'm sharing it with you if you're checking it out.

enjoy!

awesome perspective...

this morning i was reading an online devo at TGIF--today God is first. i have never been to this site before, not sure why i didn't find it in the links on our church's site until now, but i do believe God led me there to read this devo. it reiterates what i've said all along about people God uses...

Becoming a Mighty Man
by Os Hillman

All those who were in distress or in debt or discontented gathered around him, and he became their leader. About four hundred men were with him. - 1 Samuel 22:2

Have you ever felt that you could accomplish a whole lot more if you had more talented people around you? Perhaps you are in an office and think that some of your fellow workers don't quite measure up. Imagine what David must have thought in the years following his anointing by the prophet Samuel as the next king of Israel. He spent the next many years running from King Saul. Now God was beginning to bring men to support David. But what kind of men? The down-and-out. God gave David not the elite or the sophisticated; He gave him those who were in debt and discontented with life. David turned those men into the best fighting men of their day. In fact, David never lost a battle during his entire reign as king of Israel-quite a feat for a bunch of no-name, lowlifes! Some of those men became an elite group known as David's Mighty Men. These were the elite of the elite, the Navy Seals, the Few Good Men, the Green Berets. Whatever you call them, they were exceptional warriors.

Jesus took a few men who weren't exactly the cream of the crop either. He built His life into these men, which resulted in 12 men who turned the world upside down. Are you one of God's mighty men or women? Are you investing your life to build other mighty men or women? David and Jesus set the example of what can be done when we invest in others. God does extraordinary things through men who have an extraordinary God. Ask God to use your life to be a mighty man or woman for a cause greater than yourself. He delights in such prayers.

i find it interesting that christians many times think they know more than God does, so they judge someone's usefulness to the Kingdom by their own ideas of how someone should be, not happy with the fact that God does use imperfect people who may not measure up to the standards of what the world views as successful or important or useful or even Godly. when God calls someone into ministry, it doesn't mean they are going to be perfect and never make a mistake, it doesn't mean that they will always do what everyone else thinks is God's will. they will do their best to follow God and seek his direction for their lives and ministry. but they will fail in the eyes of men, even if on a small scale, and not something big. men will be disappointed in them, but God knows they're called to do his work and that even in (no, in spite of) their imperfections, he will be made known.

God is extraordinary, we are merely ordinary...all of us, no matter how high we lift ourselves up because we think we know better than others...but God knows better than us. so why do people constantly find the need to question him, by questioning his use of imperfect people to accomplish his extraordinary things?

pray for your leaders, lift them up to God to protect them and to use them for his purposes...not ours...and try to be more gracious toward them, they're not perfect, but they're being used to do extraordinary things!

fear thou not...

"so do not fear, for i am with you; do not be dismayed, for i am your God. i will strengthen you and help you; i will uphold you with my righteous right hand. all who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish. though you search for your enemies, you will not find them. those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all. for i am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, do not fear; i will help you. do not be afraid,...for i myself will help you," declares the Lord, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel.

~~isaiah 41:10-14

my prayer for a close friend who is struggling right now... i know God will work everything out to his glory and he will be victorious over everything that comes your way...

ahhhh....

such a refreshing time of worship this morning.

taking a break from the team this week was a good idea,

i felt so moved by the choice of songs too....

just amazing how God makes everything fall where it should,

even if it just means taking time to worship him properly...

amazing...

it's amazing how quickly God can make things better and bring peace...he just can work miracles in ways you'd never imagine and then, even though change is hard, he can make it all great again, and even better than before...

prayer is a powerful thing, i've not done enough of it recently...that's one change...

sometimes, change is an aweseome amazing thing that you don't realize was needed...

i'm just in awe of just how awesome he is, and how he can make everything work for his plan.

"suck it up and worship God anyway"...?!?

yep, that's a comment i heard tonight... i can't exactly remember the context, but it was hilarious at the time.

but think about it... no matter what you're going through, no matter what's happening, God's already proven his love for us because he sent his son for us, to forgive us, to make a way to have a relationship with us... no matter what life brings, he's more than enough for us, to get us through it, to carry us when necessary, to lift us back up and to give us hope and peace...

a couple of things that stood out to me as we were singing and i was worshipping with friends...

you are my supply, my breath of life, still more awesome than i know
you are my reward, worth living for, still more awesome than i know

you’re my sacrifice, of greatest price, still more awesome than i know
you’re the coming king, you are everything, still more awesome than i know

all of you is more than enough for all of me, for every thirst and every need
you satisfy me with your love and all i have in you is more than enough

and...

blessed be your name in the land that is plentiful
where your streams of abundance flow, blessed be Your name

blessed be your name when i'm found in the desert place
though i walk through the wilderness, blessed be your name

blessed be your name when the sun's shining down on me
when the world's 'all as it should be', blessed be Your name

blessed be your name on the road marked with suffering
though there's pain in the offering, blessed be Your name

so yeah, suck it up and worship God anyway...you'll be glad you did.

take note of the side bar...

the verse that i've had there forever and a day...it was posted on my computer screen for the past couple of weeks. why? i have no idea, i was just playing with the "stickies" and decided to put it up there...basically worded the same way it is in the sidebar.

the other night was rough...really rough. i was ready to walk away from all that i've lived for and believed for almost as long as i can remember. i had no hope, felt no prosperity, the future was not looking good...not that night, or even the next morning. it happened again...i felt my world falling apart around me and could not see any good in the situation at all. i was blindsided out of nowhere and it threw me for a loop. so i was walking away from it...and the sticky on my computer got deleted.

then yesterday things were bettering themselves...still not sure what the next phase is going to be, but slow improvements at least in my mind...in myself. not worrying about them, just trying not to totally lose me in the midst of it all. (i know, i'm talking in circles...deal with it. lol)

so yesterday i knew people were praying for me, us, this, all of it...not me, i just couldn't. but then i was reminded of that verse (romans 8:26-27) where it says "...the Spirit helps us in our weakness. we do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. and he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will." i was writing in an email that i couldn't pray...and then thought of this verse and how when we don't know what to pray or can't pray...the Spirit searches our hearts and goes to God for us when we can't pray...he's still interceding for us... so profound to me because in my hopelessness and despair...my heart was being felt and heard by God.

so today, i go back to look up jeremiah 29 and read the whole surrounding passage again (first time in awhile)...here's what i have quoted from it now (on my screen)..."I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back...for I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you and will bring you back...
~~Jeremiah 29:10-14

i will come to you...

i will fulfill my gracious promise...

i will bring you back...

i have plans to prosper you, not harm you...

i have plans to give you a hope...

i have plans to give you a future...

you will call up on me...

you will come and pray to me...

i will listen to you...

you will seek me...

you will find me...

you will seek with all your heart...

i will be found by you...

i will bring you back...

even though i couldn't pray, couldn't look for him and his presence, my heart was crying out, was seeking to find him and to be brought back...because he has plans for me...to give me a hope and a future...to prosper me...

everything is not all rosy, i still haven't been able to just sit and pray...but this realization, that intercession is being done by the Spirit to the Father for me...wow. this hasn't been fun, it's going to take a lot to make things all okay, but i think i needed this...i think i needed to be hopeless and desperate...i needed to be brought back...

as always, it's a work in progress...