so many things to be thankful for this year...
my "father"... my relationship with God has been lacking for awhile, but i'm so thankful that even when i give up on him, he never gives up on me. he's been working on me lately, and i'm so thankful that i'm worthy of his love and forgiveness.
my husband... jerry and i have been married for over 14 years now, and realized that at the beginning of november we've been together for 17 years. i'm so thankful for the stability that he gives, knowing that he always loves me no matter what, all of the time!
my children... i can't imagine life without being a mom! there are days that are trying, but i wouldn't trade it for the world. to see them grow and mature in every aspect, such a privelege! i can't thank God enough for letting me raise them, and i pray they will grow up loving and serving him.
my church... and my pastor. i haven't been allowing myself to enjoy this blessing to it's fullest, but lately i've grown to really love and respect my pastor and the godly leadership he leads our church with. grace is the name of our church, and it's truly how it functions, grace is shown in so many ways it's amazing to me! i so appreciate our pastor's compassion for others, it's amazing to see!
other things... my job at school teaching children even when it's a bit stressful, my home and our family not moving this year, the opportunity to get my psychology degree, our family being relatively healthy, and the opportunity to start a home based business.
God is good all the time,
All the time God is good!
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
i will lift my eyes...
God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now
God, be near, calm my fear
And take my doubt
Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in
I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can’t climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You
God, my God, let Mercy sing
Her melody over me
God, right here all I bring
Is all of me
I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can’t climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You
‘Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
The Lover I need to save me
‘Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it
together, God
this song is by bebo norman. i heard it for the first time at camp this past summer and it was just so eye opening to hear the words and feel them at the same time. i haven't heard the song in awhile and i was singing it today...just wanted to post it here to help me remember...
Your beloved needs You now
God, be near, calm my fear
And take my doubt
Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in
I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can’t climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You
God, my God, let Mercy sing
Her melody over me
God, right here all I bring
Is all of me
I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can’t climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You
‘Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
The Lover I need to save me
‘Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it
together, God
this song is by bebo norman. i heard it for the first time at camp this past summer and it was just so eye opening to hear the words and feel them at the same time. i haven't heard the song in awhile and i was singing it today...just wanted to post it here to help me remember...
Monday, November 19, 2007
nasty little lump of dirt and rocks...
i've been going through a real growing process, but old habits die hard. the habit of keeping the walls up, avoiding confrontation and awkwardness, and pushing people away without knowingly doing it...but not trying to keep them close either.
without going into details at all, there have been some "friend issues" lately that i've really been having a hard time with. i want everything to be "back to normal", but it may never get there again. i want them to be involved in the same things i'm involved in, that we were formerly involved in together...but that may never happen again either. but thankfully, because i've decided it's time to tear down the walls, even if it is piece by piece, things are getting better all around. walking away, avoiding hurt and confrontation, so much easier that way, but i couldn't just let it go...they're my friends!
honesty is the key, and candidness is an absolute necessity. telling the truth about how you feel/felt about a situation or whatever in a tactful way, that's the tough part. i'm praying that things will be able to be fully reconciled, even if they never get totally "back to the way it was before". i may have to get used to a new "normal" with these friends, but i soooo love them and want to be involved in their lives. i pray the feelings are mutual and that they will smack me when i need it, and make me keep taking down the wall brick by brick, and maybe even bringing in a wrecking ball or two if needed.
in order to get there, i need to let God in too. he's been kept at bay for awhile, for fear of feeling anything and i was basking in the numbness, not wanting to feel because that brings pain and uncomfortableness (is that a word? lol) i'm working on it...
...i know he's been with me this whole time, through all of the years of trials and disappointments and hurts, just holding me in his hand, carrying me gently.
i picture his hand holding the ugliest, most useless lump of rocky dirt you can imagine...that's me, covered by my mess and walls i've built from the inside out.
most people would look at that lump of dirt and think he should just toss it, throw it as far away as possible, or up against something to see if it breaks apart and explodes in a dirty, dusty mess. they would look at it as a nasty little thing, unfriendly, full of contempt, or feeling that it's too yucky to hang onto, and definitely would not want to be seen around this dirty rocky lump, so they'd just walk away...
but he knows that inside it is something that could be beautiful, something that could make a difference and maybe even change the world, if only the dirt and rocks were taken away piece by piece, if only...
...if only the walls would come down, if only the dirt were cleaned away, if only the wounds from the rocks were washed off, and the callouses were worn down after being built up from working so diligently on building this wall, if only...
but still, ever so gently he's been carrying this lump, patiently waiting for it to start to crumble. not trying to make it happen too soon, but knowing that eventually it will.
and as i've cried tears, he has too...sometimes a tear hits that lump of dirt and loosens it up a bit. the more that tears have been shed, the more pieces of dirt have been loosed and fallen away. some days he gently blows a breath of air on the lump of dirt, blowing away some of the dust that's crumbling and coming loose also... did i feel a gentle breeze coming around the wall, a bit of a sweet aroma wafting through the stench of the old dirt and grime?
someday soon i hope to be beautiful, in the image of my father, no dirt, no grime, no walls, and no numbness...
so i'm bracing myself for the wrecking ball and jackhammer, it might be painful and noisy. but i'm ready to let it all fall away so i can be free to feel joy and become beautiful in spite of this mess i've allowed to become of my spiritual life.
i love my friends and am so thankful that God has made us keep talking and keep hashing it out together to get to where he wants us to be!
thanksgiving is the day after tomorrow, life's not perfect but i'm so thankful that the journey can be joyful even through all of the storms of life.
and as usual, since i think in song...i just remembered the lines of a song they used to sing when i was growing up in church..."he's still working on me, to make me what i ought to be. it took him just a week to make the moon and stars, the sun and the earth and jupiter and mars. how loving and patient he must be, 'cause he's still working on me!" so true, always.
without going into details at all, there have been some "friend issues" lately that i've really been having a hard time with. i want everything to be "back to normal", but it may never get there again. i want them to be involved in the same things i'm involved in, that we were formerly involved in together...but that may never happen again either. but thankfully, because i've decided it's time to tear down the walls, even if it is piece by piece, things are getting better all around. walking away, avoiding hurt and confrontation, so much easier that way, but i couldn't just let it go...they're my friends!
honesty is the key, and candidness is an absolute necessity. telling the truth about how you feel/felt about a situation or whatever in a tactful way, that's the tough part. i'm praying that things will be able to be fully reconciled, even if they never get totally "back to the way it was before". i may have to get used to a new "normal" with these friends, but i soooo love them and want to be involved in their lives. i pray the feelings are mutual and that they will smack me when i need it, and make me keep taking down the wall brick by brick, and maybe even bringing in a wrecking ball or two if needed.
in order to get there, i need to let God in too. he's been kept at bay for awhile, for fear of feeling anything and i was basking in the numbness, not wanting to feel because that brings pain and uncomfortableness (is that a word? lol) i'm working on it...
...i know he's been with me this whole time, through all of the years of trials and disappointments and hurts, just holding me in his hand, carrying me gently.
i picture his hand holding the ugliest, most useless lump of rocky dirt you can imagine...that's me, covered by my mess and walls i've built from the inside out.
most people would look at that lump of dirt and think he should just toss it, throw it as far away as possible, or up against something to see if it breaks apart and explodes in a dirty, dusty mess. they would look at it as a nasty little thing, unfriendly, full of contempt, or feeling that it's too yucky to hang onto, and definitely would not want to be seen around this dirty rocky lump, so they'd just walk away...
but he knows that inside it is something that could be beautiful, something that could make a difference and maybe even change the world, if only the dirt and rocks were taken away piece by piece, if only...
...if only the walls would come down, if only the dirt were cleaned away, if only the wounds from the rocks were washed off, and the callouses were worn down after being built up from working so diligently on building this wall, if only...
but still, ever so gently he's been carrying this lump, patiently waiting for it to start to crumble. not trying to make it happen too soon, but knowing that eventually it will.
and as i've cried tears, he has too...sometimes a tear hits that lump of dirt and loosens it up a bit. the more that tears have been shed, the more pieces of dirt have been loosed and fallen away. some days he gently blows a breath of air on the lump of dirt, blowing away some of the dust that's crumbling and coming loose also... did i feel a gentle breeze coming around the wall, a bit of a sweet aroma wafting through the stench of the old dirt and grime?
someday soon i hope to be beautiful, in the image of my father, no dirt, no grime, no walls, and no numbness...
so i'm bracing myself for the wrecking ball and jackhammer, it might be painful and noisy. but i'm ready to let it all fall away so i can be free to feel joy and become beautiful in spite of this mess i've allowed to become of my spiritual life.
i love my friends and am so thankful that God has made us keep talking and keep hashing it out together to get to where he wants us to be!
thanksgiving is the day after tomorrow, life's not perfect but i'm so thankful that the journey can be joyful even through all of the storms of life.
and as usual, since i think in song...i just remembered the lines of a song they used to sing when i was growing up in church..."he's still working on me, to make me what i ought to be. it took him just a week to make the moon and stars, the sun and the earth and jupiter and mars. how loving and patient he must be, 'cause he's still working on me!" so true, always.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
okay, it's been awhile, eh?
wow, i think that might almost be a record of time between posts....
okay, so things are working out really well in some areas and not so well in others...
work---que sera, sera! i'm no longer allowing myself to stress over stuff for the most part. i go in and do what i can do, and leave it to that. it's not "fun" like it used to be, but i'm doing my job and kids are learning, so that's good.
school finances---due to unforseen circumstances that got really bad, but turned out to be a good thing... i've applied for financial aid and will most likely get a grant or two and some loans. the plan is to start in january, registration for classes begins this week.
church---the good, the bad, and the ugly... women of faith conference was really good, just what i needed when marilyn meberg totally hit me in the face with what i needed to hear (see below). we're growing, expanding and planning to move into a new facility soon too. church still hurts though, you have to actually open up to experience it fully and i try and then get smacked upside the head again, so then i close off again. i've got too many issues, and it seems to keep replaying over and over and over.
spiritually---i've been so dry for so long, ever since leaving our church in 2004 i've felt so far from God much of the time. i've pretty much put up walls every time i've been hurt, they'll get picked at a bit, but never totally torn down before another one goes up. marily meberg basically said that the callousness not only keeps us from opening up to relationships to others like we should, but keeps God out too... so true! so i'm working on that.
family finances---a definite roller coaster. summer happens and we're tight, school/work starts and we're good, unforseen stuff comes up and we're bad again...but it not only caused "good" for school finances, it's going to be good for family finances too.... merry christmas to us! and a happy new year too!
vision and ministry---i'm starting a homebased internet business, and the potential is awesome! not only for our family's financial well-being, but also for our heart for ministry. not wanting to cross bridges before we come to them, but this could definitely end up opening some awesome doors to minister in our community and to unknown other possibilities beyond our locality. at first, the greedy side of me just wanted to "make money, money, make money, money, money" as john reuben had us sing at journeyfest. sure, i want to own my own home and have reliable vehicles that aren't on the verge of breaking down, but do i need 10 acres and a huge house with horses? (that's my "earthly dream") i've reeled it in, and if/when the business reaches its full potential, we'll live off of "x" amount of money and everything else will be tagged for ministry, helping family, college funds, and retirement, and in that order. hubby's had a dream since early in our marriage, it was long-forgotten until recently, but this could potentially make that happen. prayers for God's blessings are greatly appreciated, we want to glorify Him through this business venture and the focus is more on what we can do for the Kingdom when this is successful, rather than what is God going to give us.
family---elisabeth broke her arm last week and is dealing with some issues, and nick has been dealing with the asthma/allergy/sinus stuff and some other things as well...hopefully everything will smooth out soon and calm down! we got a new family member though....rushmore is our new kitty, and he's as cute as can be! rocky (our basset hound dog) and rushmore play and fight just like normal siblings do....so much fun and excitement around here!!!
marriage---jerry and i realized we've been together for just over 17 years now. it's awesome, and i still love this man so much!
well, that's it. much better than my september rant. now i'm going to try to post things i'm thankful for on a daily basis...i need to count my blessings more often!
okay, so things are working out really well in some areas and not so well in others...
work---que sera, sera! i'm no longer allowing myself to stress over stuff for the most part. i go in and do what i can do, and leave it to that. it's not "fun" like it used to be, but i'm doing my job and kids are learning, so that's good.
school finances---due to unforseen circumstances that got really bad, but turned out to be a good thing... i've applied for financial aid and will most likely get a grant or two and some loans. the plan is to start in january, registration for classes begins this week.
church---the good, the bad, and the ugly... women of faith conference was really good, just what i needed when marilyn meberg totally hit me in the face with what i needed to hear (see below). we're growing, expanding and planning to move into a new facility soon too. church still hurts though, you have to actually open up to experience it fully and i try and then get smacked upside the head again, so then i close off again. i've got too many issues, and it seems to keep replaying over and over and over.
spiritually---i've been so dry for so long, ever since leaving our church in 2004 i've felt so far from God much of the time. i've pretty much put up walls every time i've been hurt, they'll get picked at a bit, but never totally torn down before another one goes up. marily meberg basically said that the callousness not only keeps us from opening up to relationships to others like we should, but keeps God out too... so true! so i'm working on that.
family finances---a definite roller coaster. summer happens and we're tight, school/work starts and we're good, unforseen stuff comes up and we're bad again...but it not only caused "good" for school finances, it's going to be good for family finances too.... merry christmas to us! and a happy new year too!
vision and ministry---i'm starting a homebased internet business, and the potential is awesome! not only for our family's financial well-being, but also for our heart for ministry. not wanting to cross bridges before we come to them, but this could definitely end up opening some awesome doors to minister in our community and to unknown other possibilities beyond our locality. at first, the greedy side of me just wanted to "make money, money, make money, money, money" as john reuben had us sing at journeyfest. sure, i want to own my own home and have reliable vehicles that aren't on the verge of breaking down, but do i need 10 acres and a huge house with horses? (that's my "earthly dream") i've reeled it in, and if/when the business reaches its full potential, we'll live off of "x" amount of money and everything else will be tagged for ministry, helping family, college funds, and retirement, and in that order. hubby's had a dream since early in our marriage, it was long-forgotten until recently, but this could potentially make that happen. prayers for God's blessings are greatly appreciated, we want to glorify Him through this business venture and the focus is more on what we can do for the Kingdom when this is successful, rather than what is God going to give us.
family---elisabeth broke her arm last week and is dealing with some issues, and nick has been dealing with the asthma/allergy/sinus stuff and some other things as well...hopefully everything will smooth out soon and calm down! we got a new family member though....rushmore is our new kitty, and he's as cute as can be! rocky (our basset hound dog) and rushmore play and fight just like normal siblings do....so much fun and excitement around here!!!
marriage---jerry and i realized we've been together for just over 17 years now. it's awesome, and i still love this man so much!
well, that's it. much better than my september rant. now i'm going to try to post things i'm thankful for on a daily basis...i need to count my blessings more often!
Saturday, November 10, 2007
women of faith
this weekend was the women of faith conference in tampa. it was a great weekend of fun, hanging out with wonderful friends, being refreshed and just relaxing away from the hubbub of everything that is my life. marilyn meberg was great, as were all of the speakers, but her message touched me most. once i heard from anita renfroe that "joy is on it's way"....that paved the way for other things i needed to hear. marilyn told the heartwrenching story of losing her husband, losing her 15 day old daughter, and getting closure. the biggest thing that hit me was that if we put up walls and our guard so we won't feel hurt, we're also putting up walls and our guard so we can't feel Jesus' presence in our lives. that really hit me. i've put up such thick walls, and i really want them to come down, but how do you go about that? i'm not (hopefully) on the edge of a major breakdown, but i want to have a breakthrough that just melts away the ice castle i've formed around my heart to keep it from feeling hurt. i know i need to have that close relationship with Jesus, but i just can't seem to do it when there are so many walls up. my prayer is that i can tear down the walls and begin to have the life that God truly wants me to have, not this mediocre-just-barely-surviving-and-clinging-onto-the-absolute-last-shred-of-hope/sanity that i have!
my prayer is to walk through the fear and experience the joy of following God and letting go of myself and my hurts and letting him take it all......after i get some sleep! lol
my prayer is to walk through the fear and experience the joy of following God and letting go of myself and my hurts and letting him take it all......after i get some sleep! lol
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